It's been six years since I walked away from my dirty little secret. My embarrassment, my shame, and my silence. Who wants to date a girl with my baggage. How would you even begin to tell the story? No guy wants to listen and actually understand. They don't want to know that one of their own can be "that way." How do you even begin? Please don't ask why I love adventure so much. It means that I can't be contained in one space and not aloud to leave. Don't ask why I love music. It's my escape, they can speak what I really feel, they often tell my story that I have never fully actually told to anyone, not even my best friend. Why is sex and love never combined? Giving my heart away to a friend is easy. I can give them everything and I do. Giving my heart away to a lover takes a courage that I have not had since. The hardest part of it all is I want love. I want love so bad again I can finally open up that bag I have been carrying and feel again. It only took six years and a few states away of distance to finally feel safe enough to try again.
The real scary part is trying again. I have had six years of guaranteed men who in the end will not love me. They are great in bed, but not after my heart. If they were after my heart I dumped them on the spot. The poor fellas never had a chance. If I did fall for them, they would never be able to commit for they had their own baggage. It was a perfect storm and my pheromones have a tendency to pick the ones that are unable to stay the long haul.
It brings me to my next leg of my life long journey. I think that having the experience has granted me the opportunity to move on. I have enlisted my sister to be my judge. I have the next few weeks to get it together and then I'm to be open.
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