trust

Trust, it's a tricky concept. When do you remember the past and learn from it, or just let it go?

Don't date a girl who reads

 I thought this post from thoughtcatalog.com deserved a re-post. I still struggle with the English language on a daily basis, but I still read like a mad women!

Maybe that's why I'm always in limbo.....

Don't date a girl who reads

Band of Horses performing "No One's Gonna Love You" on KCRW

We'll Find Better Days

 
And you asked me what I want this year
and I try to make this kind and clear
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
'cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
and designer love and empty things
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words and sing out loud
'cause everyone is forgiven now
'cause tonight's the night the world begins again

I need some place simple where we could live
and something only you can give
and that's faith and trust and peace while we're alive
and the one poor child who saved this world
and there's ten million more who probably could
if we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

So take these words and sing out loud
'cause everyone is forgiven now
'cause tonight's the night the world begins again

I wish everyone was loved tonight
and somehow stop this endless fight
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words and sing out loud
'cause everyone is forgiven now
'cause tonight's the night the world begins again

'cause tonight's the night the world begins again

~Goo Goo Dolls

Back in the land of babies and weddings...

I am having one of those moments, again.  I'm trying to figure out if I want, someday, to tie the knot with a Mr. Special; or if I am getting caught up in all of my friends excitement? I am in my first wave of babies and third wave of weddings. I can plan a wedding with the best of them! I know dress cuts, cake styles, venue questions, color options, and inexpensive tricks to make a room look exquisite.  Some of that comes from my own short lived engagement years ago, but most of it comes from all of my friends and their trials and tribulations. In my new town a few of my coworkers are getting engaged.  It's that time of year again, around the holidays, where it leaves everyone the perfect amount of time to plan a wedding for summer. A little over a year as people gush, and you know what, I gush right along with them. So the question still remains, do I really like planning events, or am I starting to be open to a life long partnership?

I found a "tiddy"

I'm Alice in the wonderland of Facebook. My friends are posting daily updates on their new bundle's of joy in their lives. I'm following with fascination as friends embark on the journey. Last year I would be annoyed by my friends posts, but now I'm following like a fan would follow their team. I want my friends to be happy and their child to be healthy. I know that I'm not even close to being ready to miss my feet, get swollen, and go through the pain of child birth. On the flip side, I have noticed my attitude changing towards kids in general. Maybe it was the reality of a good friend loosing her baby and the heartache she felt; it could be close friends are now having babies and I actually care about their kids; or it could be as simple as I don't want an empty house when I'm old.  Either way, the other night I was sitting next to a mom and her two little girls. In an exuberant explanation, the three-year old talked about the parrots she had just seen at a petting zoo. I thought she was adorable! Hmmmm. During Christmas this last year my little cousin who is 2, became my buddy. We ran around the house looking for "tiddys" (kittys).  I had so much fun! Maybe children are not the worst thing to happen to friendships. I think I might be growing up(took me long enough). My views on kids have shifted from my babysitting/nanny weekends of the past. It was hard to take care of kids by yourself. The end of the day was exhausting. I hated feeling tethered, scrutinized, and judged. I think I remembered a lot of the exhaustion and choose to forget the fun. Making forts, putting on plays, or creating giant pieces of art was a lot of fun. Who doesn't like a long nature walk with a picnic at the end? I can honestly say I haven't caught the "baby bug", but I have caught the "aunt bug" which will due for now.

It's a New Year to Eat, Pray, Love...

It's the new year and every year I restart Eat, Pray Love. It's a great reminder that the the journey I will take this year are about the moments and events. It is my favorite book for so many reason, and each time I read it I find something new that resonates with my soul.  Here are a few (and by a few I mean a lot) of my favorite quotes...

Loving others

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."

"In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place." 

 

"I was suffering the easily foreseeable consequences. Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never dared to admit you wanted-an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement. Soon you start craving that intense attention, with a hungry obsession of any junkie. When the drug is witheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy, and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore-- despite the fact that you know he has it hidden somewhere, goddamn it, because he used to give it to you for free). Next stage finds you skinny and shaking in a corner, certain only that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbors just to have 'that thing' even one more time. Meanwhile, the object of your adoration has now become repulsed by you. He looks at you like you're someone he's never met before, much less someone he once loved with high passion. The irony is,you can hardly blame him. I mean, check yourself out. You're a pathetic mess,unrecognizable even to your own eyes. So that's it. You have now reached infatuation's final destination-- the complete and merciless devaluation of self." 

 

"People always fall in love with the most perfect aspects of each other’s personalities. Who wouldn’t? Anybody can love the most wonderful parts of another person. But that’s not the clever trick. The really clever trick is this: Can you accept the flaws? Can you look at your partner’s faults honestly and say, ‘I can work around that. I can make something out of it.’? Because the good stuff is always going to be there, and it’s always going to pretty and sparkly, but the crap underneath can ruin you."

 

"To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow - this is a human offering that can border on miraculous."  

"Do you want your belly pressed against this person's belly forever --or not?"  

"Only the young and stupid are confident about sex and romance."

Loving myself

"I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me."


"Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend."

“Attraversiamo,” Let's cross over.

 Soul Mates
"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master..."

Happiness
"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it."

"There’s a crack (or cracks) in everyone…that’s how the light of God gets in." 

"You were given life; it is your duty (and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight."

"Still, despite all this, traveling is the great true love of my life. I have always felt, ever since I was sixteen years old and first went to Russia with my saved-up babysitting money, that to travel is worth any cost or sacrifice. I am loyal and constant in my love for travel, as I have not always been loyal and constant in my other loves. I feel about travel the way a happy new mother feels about her impossible, colicky, restless, newborn baby--I just don't care what it puts me through. Because I adore it. Because it's mine. Because it looks exactly like me. It can barf all over me if it wants to--I just don't care." 

"See, now that's your problem. You're wishin' too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be."

"Why they always look so serious in Yoga? You make serious face like this, you scare away good energy. To meditate, only you must smile. Smile with face, smile with mind, and good energy will come to you and clean away dirty energy. Even smile in your liver. Practice tonight at hotel. Not to hurry, not to try too hard. Too serious, you make you sick. You can calling the good energy with a smile.

And you, Liss? You are practice Balinese meditation every night? Keep mind and heart clean?”
“Every night,” I promised.
“You learn to smile even in your liver?”
“Even in my liver, Ketut. Big smile in my liver.”
“Good. This smile will make you beautiful woman. This will give you power of to be very pretty. You can use this power – pretty power – to get what you want in life.
“Pretty power!” I repeat the phrase, loving it. Like a meditating Barbie.
“I want pretty power!”
“You are still practicing Indian meditation, too?”
“Every morning.”
“Good. Don’t forget your yoga. Beneficial to you. Good for you to keep practice both ways of meditation – Indian and Balinese. Both different, but good in equal way. Same-same. I think about religion, most of it is same-same.”

Faith 
"Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark. If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity; it would just be... a prudent insurance policy."

"To find the balance you want, this is what you must become. You must keep your feet grounded so firmly on the earth that it's like you have 4 legs instead of 2. That way, you can stay in the world. But you must stop looking at the world through your head. You must look through your heart, instead. That way, you will know God." 

"Zen masters say you cannot see your reflection in running water, only in still water."

Checking things off my list

Before I moved I made a list of things I needed to find when I moved to Wisconsin and I'm happy to say I have checked most of them off. 

List of things I need to find in a new town
1. New coffee shop and barrista that I love as much as Heavenly Cup. The Nook, but it just closed. Heading up the road to Common Grounds.
2. New wine and brew store, shouldn't be to hard in Wisconsin (at least the brew part). Three Cellars!
3. Dentist, doctor, chiropractor, masseuse. I hate finding these.
4. Grocery store (where I can actually find things instead of calling my dad every 5 mins). Woodman's and my friend said that "if it's not there it shouldn't go in your mouth" which is very true. 
5. Running trails. Signed up for a half in May!
6. Dog walking trails. The lake parks are working out swell
7. Friends. Met some great people so far!
8. New hobby- maybe sailing since I will be by the lake. Signed up for a photography class, sailing is next.
9. Local bar with a cool bartender. TG's is winning, but Fec's is a cool hole in the wall. Working on my spot.
10. Great take out place. I think home cooking is winning out at the moment.

Good Morning 2011

Good Morning 1.1.11

I was heading home after my night out with friends and thinking it was a beautiful way to start the year. The air was crisp, the sky bright, and the road almost empty....Happy New Year!