In Limbo...

I'm in my head so I hit the blog.  It makes sense, can't really talk about it with anyone, don't really know what I really think or feel, so it goes out to the abyss.  Timing, she is a BITCH.  Moment, want to slap her and hug her all at the same time.  Feelings, you need to go back in the closet.  Need to get my head on straight, go back into the pool and hit the ground running. Don't want to, Moment she poked her head out and her side friend Intrigue joined in the pool party, but Reality is here and not going away. Wish they would all just meet before they try and make me figure out what Life is trying to tell me. I need to learn Life's language.  I keep getting lost in translation.

In Limbo...

I'm in my head so I hit the blog.  It makes sense, can't really talk about it with anyone, don't really know what I really think or feel, so it goes out to the abyss.  Timing, she is a BITCH.  Moment, want to slap her and hug her all at the same time.  Feelings, you need to go back in the closet.  Need to get my head on straight, go back into the pool and hit the ground running. Don't want to, Moment she poked her head out and her side friend Intrigue joined in the pool party, but Reality is here and not going away. Wish they would all just meet before they try and make me figure out what Life is trying to tell me. I need to learn Life's language.  I keep getting lost in translation.

“It is essential to happiness that our way of living should spring from our own deep impulses and not from the accidental tastes and desires of those who happen to be our neighbors, or even our relations.”
-- Bertrand Russell. The Conquest of Happiness

Let the resume writing continue....

Dear Jack

It's always random where the internet can lead me in a night.  Last night searching for ways to get rid of my cable I was scanning hulu.com and came across the Jacks Mannequin: Dear Jack documentary.  It was a small glimpse into what my friend and her family went through for a few years battling melanoma cancer. Starting in stage 4 the odds were stacked against her, she fought hard, and in the end lost, but the silver lining is the friendships she created her short time here. Now I wouldn't call myself a person that believes in signs, but I do think that if you keep your eyes open the universe, or god, or Allah , angles, or even the boogie man will try and help you down a path.  Over the last few weeks I have noticed little pieces of my friend coming through in small ways. First was the new puppy for my friends in Ohio from the same breeder and line. It all started when Kate was purchased for Sarah while she was sick.  Then came the race in Greece that her sister is now running. When you turn the same age as your sister when she got sick you need to do extraordinary things. I think running a race in Greece is an awesome way to kick off new year and prove to your mind and body that you are healthy.  Colleges that have job openings are ones she was considering for Graduate School. I was craving bread, and not any bread, her recipe. Its fall, and the apples are everywhere, the woods are on fire with bright leaves and it was our favorite time of the year.  I think it's time to get the group together and start planning the February trip...oh wait, I just got a notice that tickets went down on the flights to our destination.  If you have not seen the documentary, check it out.  It's a small glimpse into how important life is and that we need to live it to the fullest everyday.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/288577/jacks-mannequin-dear-jack

This was a great reminder to keep saying "Yes" even when I want to say no.

A traveling man

A vagabond heart. I met him this past weekend during his stop in New Orleans.  Met a cross a table at a social, he was visiting my friend, not apart of my world, but in it for a few nights.  He had been all over the world, jumping ships in South America, scuba diving in Denmark, and makes money along the way by picking up odd jobs.  A person you wanted to say "bullshit" about his journey, but he didn't seem to be a liar. I never found out how he started the journey, or why, but it made me think about why I work so hard to have an apartment, a job, benefits, when I'm not experiencing much of the world. I'm doing something everyday in hopes that someone makes it though, gives back to the world in the end, with no hope that it's really going to make a difference.  Do I have the guts to let it all go and move on, experience something? This year I took baby steps and said "yes" to as much as possible, but it was still lonely in the end. What if I gave it all up, sold everything, and moved on to a simpler life.  Maybe happiness isn't found in the traditional for me, maybe its in the journey.  The anxiety of the new, challenge of the of the unfamiliar, and the constant honeymoon of the high.  It's amazing how a chance encounter can make your heart happy...even if it just was for a day. 

Change

I say I love that word, but reality is only when I'm the person who creates the change. In a week I have been encouraged to apply for an open position in a new state, told my sister is spending Christmas away with her boyfriend, and the apartment I wanted is originally vacant.

A new job sounds like a smart move, but it also leaves me wondering what I could still do where I am at. I have never jumped ship till I was ready. Now it's being openly talked about. I have some decisions to make over the weekend.

My family has always been together for the holidays. It does give me a slight twinge of sadness to know my sister is in another city. Who else am I suppose to open my stocking with and laugh? I'm happy for her and her boyfriend, I will just miss them. It will be our first Christmas apart. What can I say? I'm the oldest and have watched her open all of her presents for 24 years.

How does it happen that you sign a new lease and the apartment you wanted is now open? Do I move? It would save me money, but what if I get a new job offer?

Life is complicated, November is a soul searching month. Who do you trust? I have learned that friends can be enemies.