Where it will stop, no one knows

Fall means change and I have felt my world spinning for awhile now.  It was spinning so fast sometimes I felt sick and confused. I was in the Willie Wonka movie on the ride...where it was going to stop no one knows.    Over the past few weeks a lot of change has taken place and it's been for the best.  Where most people spend their early twenties searching for themselves, I have been a late bloomer and it's my early thirties where I have had to find myself.  Over the summer the fun games of dating have grown old and boring.  I met some great guys, but I'm not trying to work hard at something thats not going to mean anything in a few months.  I have grown up a bit, become selective, and realistic.  I have enjoyed a summer of fun filled with friends, family and road trips.  I have started to actually talk things out with people instead of bottling it all in. It has felt good to open up and share in friends lives. I have also come to accept those who will never change, while it hurts, it is freeing to know that I can recognize bad patters and toxic relationships. I have worked on my leap year list. I finally got the real bed I had been pinning on Pinterest for the last year, and now I have rented a house! I think I have had my first glimpse into feeling like an adult....it's about time :) 

Dad's advice

"Stop freaking out or I will wallop you!" 

Stop freaking out....right Dad! This guy has potential, baggage included and this time around they seem to mesh. I'm struggling with the attention.  He wants to be around me, talk with me, likes to call, willing to go my pace. We even started out as friends.  I should be really excited. What's holding me back? I feel myself wanting to argue points that I deep down agree with...also known as sabotage.  

Dad is right, I need to stop freaking out.

Why am I more comfortable in relationships that are messed up? Why do I listen to the guy that tells me it's always my fault, my quirks, my space, my lifestyle, my animals, my talking, my energy, my dress, my friends, my age, my cuddling, my processing, and one more...me. Looking into my heart I can't understand it's desire. If I say I want a partner, a person that loves to spend time together, wants a family someday, to be social with my friends, supports my ambition and vice versa, loves kissing, likes to explore, doesn't mind my animals and our routine, wants to be involved, listens to my whole story and asks questions, and loves me in the end after all of this....then why Heart do I feel you retreating to your cave? Why do you still want someone unstable and unable to commit?  How are you and my head going to sabotage this one? Will you have me kiss a stranger...thats my MO. Will you make my heart believe that people can change?  Will you have me fixate on something about the person that will drive me nuts in the end? 

My Dad said to slow down, live in the moment and let happiness come.  I have been running away for six years.  It's long enough.  

My Dad is a smart man. 

Problems of dating

Everyone knows dating is complicated.  In the busy world there are multiple factors that make a date not work. There are many road blocks along the way and in the end often most meetings do not work out. Here are a few that I have run into in the process.

Busy girl problem:
You really like the guy, are not ready to be exclusive, but don't have time to really meet up with new people, but don't want to freak out the current beau and give the wrong idea, and you do really like the guy so far so you also don't want to give out the wrong idea that your feelings are neutral. How do you tell them?

Multiple dating problem:
You meet a few people all around the same time and then progress at different comfort levels with each person. You also are not always the same person around the different guys because they bring out different characteristics. You have to be careful to remember the individual details and not confuse the information.  Often your availability is limited due to multiple dates in a week.  It's exhausting and in the end usually none of them win because it's to hard.

Chemistry online, but not in person problem:
You talk online and can not believe how you hit it off! When you meet in person there is an instant moment where there is absolutely no attraction. If you do find them attractive, but through conversation realize that the chemistry online was due to the fact you could both banter in a witty way through thoughtfully crafted emails.  In person there was just a big fat thud.

I really really really like this person problem:
The I really really really like this person is also known as the deer in the headlights I'm to spooked to move problem so you don't move.  The dates start to go really badly, and they are your fault. You know they are your fault, but like a deer in the headlights you need to be coaxed forward to move.  It's almost like your body is trying to sabotage you.

Amazing first meeting problem:
It's an amazing story of how you first met. You agree to go out, but then they never actually get around to asking you on a date. The world screams ask them out, but statistically you know that if they don't initiate the date in the long run it's not going to happen. Plus the first time meeting was so great that the date would be impossible to match.

It's going great:
It is going great...all of it in fact! The pace of the relationship, the chemistry, the secret tests (friends, animals, kissing) and now you actually feel like it has potential.  You actually want to know more about the person. The deeper things like past relationships, who they want to be down the road, and some of their fears.  Potential can be really scary when the above list lingers over your head.  Here is to trusting the process, everything happens for a reason, put it in someone else's hand, have patience motto's.  This isn't a problem, it's actually a good thing!

Friendly fond sincere

"Maybe it was because we found being in each other's company so effortless. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that he had clearly been in love with Bitsy Houghton since he was a kid (star crossed romance being the spoiler that it is). Either way, we knew that our feelings for each other weren't urgent, or impassioned, or prone to deception. They were friendly and fond and sincere.
It was like the honeymoon bridge.
The romantic interplay that we were having wasn't the real game. It was a version invented for two friends so they can get some practice and pass the time divertingly while they wait in the station for their train to arrive. - Rules of Civility

The sweetest gesture with a lamp

My mom was moving things around in her bedroom and had placed this lamp on the bed. The lamp has been in our family since my great grandma was a young girl. She passed it down to my mom soon after we moved into our farm house about 20 years ago. Mom had gone into her closet to put some clothes away and that's when she heard the crash. The base of the lamp was heavy and it made the lamp slide off the bed. We all heard the crash, and Dad was first on the scene. Mom was upset picking up the pieces of the shattered glass and any attempt to help was met with a cold silence. She took the lamp and all of the pieces and placed them outside in the trash. We all felt awful. My mom was really close to her grandma and always took special care of the lamp. Tonight Dad sent us a text with the lamp restored. He had found a new globe, hired an artist to replicate the floral design, and then had it reassembled at the lamp shop in town. Needless to say my mom was really surprises! Dumpster diving can be very romantic!

In Limbo...

I'm in my head so I hit the blog.  It makes sense, can't really talk about it with anyone, don't really know what I really think or feel, so it goes out to the abyss.  Timing, she is a BITCH.  Moment, want to slap her and hug her all at the same time.  Feelings, you need to go back in the closet.  Need to get my head on straight, go back into the pool and hit the ground running. Don't want to, Moment she poked her head out and her side friend Intrigue joined in the pool party, but Reality is here and not going away. Wish they would all just meet before they try and make me figure out what Life is trying to tell me. I need to learn Life's language.  I keep getting lost in translation.

The ring of reality

My friend sent me this diagram knowing I would love it. What is not to love? A picture is worth a thousand words!

If you ask for it , the universe will provide

I was talking with my good friend over skype, she is overseas, and the ever typical topics came around....love lives, the universe, what do we want out of life, how much things have changed in life. She has been studying yoga faithfully for the past few years and truley believes that if you ask for it, the universe will provide, but you must be open.  Thinking back on that statement and my summer I realized that unknowingly I asked for three things and they happened!
I was bored where I am living and pretty unhappy. I was in need of an escape from the stagnant lifestyle that at times became stiflingly depressing. 
I wanted to reconnect with my inner self, find my center of gravity, strength in my convictions
I wanted a summer romance or a Mr. Right now

A few road trips around the midwest reconnecting with friends and family quelled my zest for an adventure. Camping in my own tent, floating down a river on a raft tied up to 21 other people and a keg, doing a keg stand in an old school bus, and cooking over a fire was all a first for me. How am I 30 and just doing a keg stand? Vising old friends and stomping grounds reminded me that the past was fun, but it was time to move on. On the other side of the coin it gave me a new appreciation for old friends that I lost touch with over the years and made me realize that sometimes the best people are the ones that have known you forever.

Time in car driving 6-8 hours at a time gives the mind a lot of time to think. Hanging out with your grandma for a few days centered me and brought back a sense of confidence that I lost this year. I come from a stock of very strong women who are intelligent, driven, passionate about the world and making it a better place, and loyal to their families.  It is because of these women I went to college, learned etiquette, was able to pursue my own career dreams, supported when I was down on my luck, and encouraged to keep striving even when I didn't know where it would lead me.  It's a pretty powerful thing to look back and see their journeys. 

What is summer with out a few stolen kisses and a short romance?  Not summer! I met a soulmate of sorts that was short lived due to distance, but it was nice to see that a person could be out there in the future if I was ready. I met a romantic that brought me flowers and a movie when I was sick, made a fire and roasted marshmallows outside because it was one of my favorite foods, and I got to make him coffee to sit and drink and talk about the world. It did my heart good to be cherished again, to have a person that just wanted to introduce you to things and hang out just because it was fun and easy. I finally took a person off the pedestal that I had been keeping them on for some reason. It doesn't matter how strong the connection. In the end they are just like every other person out there. They are trying to get what they want for the moment. I always fall for a smooth talker that knows exactly what to say in the moment. It can make me easy sometimes, I blame my hard head, or my  heart that really wants to believe them.  Overall that's a pretty good summer!

I'm trying to decide if I'm ready to put out to the universe that I want a partner. It still makes me a little nervous to be "tied down," maybe a relationship that last more then a summer is a good start. Trips are out on the table and starting to get planned with friends and family. 

Fall is on it's way....